It’s funny how grief works ! My grandfather died a while back! I was fifteen years old <3 The grief hits me in waves, every once in a while when I’m thinking about my future or planning my wedding, or watching home videos I get this strong feeling in my stomach and I’m back on that graveyard once again watching the coffin go down ( MORBID I KNOW LMAO but it’s an unfortunate truth)! They aren’t as poignant as they once were, but their stale presence in my mind has a haunting effect on my heart. The tears begin to fall, and the pain manifests itself in a different way! That clichéd line “time heals all wounds”, well memory makes that difficult to accomplish! Your mind can take you right back into painful moments and those feelings you thought you dealt with can come rushing back. Of course you have had to time to digest, and contemplatethe situation, thus you are able to better manage the wave of greif. I miss him, and this feeling will never go away, I’ll miss him when I know his presence would have mattered. Like I’m graduating my first degree (ill get some more I’m not done <3 like ill collect them) very soon and one day I will get married <3 I want him there... so if I could wish him back to this planet on those day, or when I christen my kids i'd do it! That’s problematic of course because then I’d never want him to leave again lol!
I miss his voice, I hear it clearly sometimes, and when I forget it, the way it sounded-all raspy and low- ill turn on a home video so I can commit it to my memory once again. This is a bittersweet comfort because then I wish it wasn’t a tape.
I remember when he bought me a bunny, and how he loved duck tape and beer and Windex. He’d curse all the time and because of this I can curse like a pro in Macedonian lol!
He loved to dance in oro (Macedonian folk dance) and he would do it with such pride no matter how much it hurt his old rickety knees. He used to get angry at the freaking band for not getting the song right. Only one band knew it and he never complained but god help the band that didn’t cause they’d have to deal with him stopping them mid song saying “ne taka” (not like that) in front of the entire party!
I know he’s around watching me, yelling at me sometimes, being proud of me (I hope)! I'm gonna miss you forever Dedo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuE1XJ_uqOs
Make wishes, Spin around and be messy. xoxo
Twisted belle <3
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